Ties That Bind

Family has always been a concept that I feel like I had to learn how to "do" correctly.  I've learned some as I've gotten older and had children of my own, but don't most families already have this concept in place? Isn't is supposed to come naturally? I'm assuming it's this way for me because I have aunts and uncles I've never met, who don't speak to me or my parents, and my parents have never really made an effort to stay in contact with anyone, even me, at times.  I don't know if this is a generational thing or what, but it's so strange to me that some families talk everyday, work through issues together, and are actually friends while some families are totally estranged from each other and seem to like it that way.  How does a "family" become a family?

Once I got married and had children of my own, I felt a love like no other.  There is nothing on this earth that could make me not want to speak to my children, not wonder what they are doing everyday, not call and check in, etc.  Nothing they could ever say or do would make me not continue to try to be in their lives on a daily basis.  The bond I felt when I held them for the first time has only gotten stronger as the years have passed by.  I don't understand how some parents are apparently just born without the parenting gene.  How do they go through their day to day and not pick up the phone?  How do they let a birthday or special event pass by and not acknowledge it?  It's just strange.

I know people who have actually moved to the city that their children live in when they are blessed with grandchildren...and they're actually happy about it! I know people whose lives revolve around their grand babies and they wouldn't dare miss a birthday or special event.  They actually want to be a part of their upbringing and be close by for any opportunity to be involved.  I also know people who would do nothing of the sort and only talk to their children and grand babies when the kids come to visit or call them.  I wonder what makes the difference in these families' lives?  Is it because their own parents didn't instill the value of family into them when they were younger?  Is it because they just don't care? Is it because they would rather have their time to themselves and feel as if they're "done" with raising kids?

My husband and I's families are similar in a lot of ways, although strikingly different in others.  Overall, I've learned that somehow, even though we were both brought up without much emphasis on family, it has come to be the most important thing to us and our children.  We decided before we had our kids that they would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their parents loved them, would always be here for them, and they would never ever have to second guess us or worry about us not being involved.  We do everything together.  Breaking the cycle, so to speak, has been important to us from day one.  But not just because of our family history.  It's almost as if it just came naturally.  I mean, you're supposed to want to spend time with your own kids! Otherwise, why have them, right?

Maybe I'm over analyzing this a bit, but it does make me question my own abilities as a mother from time to time.  How did I acquire this method of "involved" mothering if it was never shown to me?  Why do I have such a desire to stay close with my relatives when some of them have literally never shown any interest in me or my kids?  I guess one wants what it doesn't have.  I've made friends into family.  I've tried to maintain relationships with the family who will have me.  I've also drawn clear boundary lines with the ones who have shown they have zero desire to be in mine or my children's lives.  That's all I can do really.  I can't do the back and forth, in and out of our lives.  Maybe someone can show me how to care, but not care too much, if that makes sense.  I can't imagine doing that with my own kids, but apparently I need to learn how to do it with others.

Anyway, family dynamics advice and comments are always welcome here.